sublime banquet for the mind

enough is enough
I’ve endured too long
all the pain that I feel
I just keep it inside 
unspoken
nothing changes
no matter how much I pray
forgive me
the guilt is so hard
my selfishness urges me
to run, escape and
never look back
leaving you
I had to

The rain is still pouring outside
Water tracks on my windowpane
I’m not going anywhere
This cup of coffee in my hand
Warm and fragrant
I inhale deeply, I take a sip
Aaahh!
That feels so much better.

Photo by soap & water

The distance between us
may be far or
closer than expected
My thoughts go out to you
In this uncertain world
where everything is transient yet
One thing remains true
My feelings for you.

Dear one,
You are loved, more
than you know
Your imperfections are perfect
They are the reflections of
your beautiful soul
I see them in you daily
You need not begrudge others
That weakness you feel or the
pain in your heart
signs of adulthood
you are embarking
spread your wings high and
fly; your moment is
about to begin.

dedicated to my followers 

At this moment,
I need you more 
than life itself.
All these thoughts
running through my head,
I’m scared and so alone;
All these doubts I have inside
When will it all go away?

Right here, right now,
we have to make a 
decision; I can’t
face another sleepless
night alone.

Tell me something,
anything; lie to
me if you have to;
Just make this fear stop
me from living,
from going on.

the harsh buzz from the alarm
awakens me
soft light filters through
I slowly exhale, open my eyes
it’s another day
you’re still asleep
the only sound in this room
is the sound of your harsh breathing
did you dream of me
like I dreamed of you
last night?
I’m so tempted
to slide back into the warm sheets
I’d rather spend my day
with you
I breathe in your scent
my fuel for the day
I’m off to work again. 

I know the feeling
of being compared
and coming out
as the Loser.
I know the feeling
of being left out
unappreciated and
unwanted.
Nothing satisfies them
nothing pleases them
nothing makes them happy
no matter what I say or do
nothing is right
it’s always wrong.
I’m never going to be
good enough
smart enough or
pretty enough for
you. 

The sweet words
you once had
spoken softly;
you whispered to me
in the silence of the night,
now turn sour
with your lies so
spoken sweetly.
Honey dripped,
poison-tinged words
Truth too
distorted to
be the truth
anymore;
you had
spoken sweetly.

I am lost
in this endless maze,
I am searching
for the door.
I never expected you
to walk beside me;
Your roads are
so different, your
thoughts, your views
make you unique.
I am intrigued, and
so I walk beside you,
while you seek
for the door
out from this endless maze
we call Life.

the ugly monster
eats me from within
heart, lungs, intestines
crawling up and emerging
this pain I cannot contain
from the world, I keep
my ugly monster
the face behind the mask
darkness threatens
starting to boil over
how do you embrace
something so ugly
someone like me? 

I seek your warmth
beneath this sea of blankets
you lie by my side
arms and legs entangled
in each other
the soft touch of your lips
your breath tickles my face
your heart beats beneath my palm
your smooth skin and rough hands
your warmth surrounds me
as I sleep and dream of
you. 

These feelings so personal
Cannot be expressed 
Can’t be measured
Words are so inadequate and small
When I see you
Your mind in a cloud of confusion
Your eyes tell a story
That your mouth can’t convey
While I sit beside you
Your prone form so frail beneath the white sheets
All I can do is be there for you
and my mouth and heart; constantly
pray…over and over again. 
How I want you to know,
To understand, that you 
are not fighting this battle alone.

I am who I am
I do not apologize for it
My actions need no explanations
My flesh is weak
Yet my spirit is strong
My senses are dull
Yet my wit cuts like a knife
I’m unorthodox yet staid
I’m different and I blend into the crowd
I’m just…me 

it is quiet here
there is only the ticking
and the breeze
morning smells
urgent, hungry gnawing.

shouts from the neighbor’s children
occasional barks of someone’s dog
disrupt my jangled thoughts
lassitude of my limbs
restlessness, quick as lightning
travel through my veins. 

i’m off, into the bright blue sky
another brilliant Sunday morning
as the thought occurs
what shall I do today?

Oh how it pours!
The angry rain
accompanied by the
raging thunder and
fierce, white lightning.

How I welcome
the waters
while it quenches
the thirst of 
the dry, barren earth. 

You wear love like you were meant for it
while I still linger in your shadow
I walk behind you
searching in the dark 
I can’t hold on to you
the stunning shooting star
My eyes refuse to see; what my
heart has already believed
You were just using me
I was a part of your grand scheme
I’m in perfect company
the nobody in misery.

I still struggle with my beliefs
that this world still has a place for me
I’ve entered your life and left my mark
You refuse to see it; but you
can’t help but feel it.
You, the nobody in misery.

The truth yet unknown,
Still lies deep within me,
For you to hold the key
to unlock it’s mysteries
For you to make it immortal,
For you to use it wisely.
I give you the key. 

Time is of the essence
may it be a friend or an enemy
yet it heals all hurt like sand,
slipping through fingers
Tests my patience
I feel the urgency and breathlessness
must I be still?
Turn back the time
gather the moment,
Erase all memory of pain and sorrow
eagerly I touch your hand
Your vacant eyes, a shell of yourself
remember you as you were
Still I wish the hands of time rewind.